When to Stay and When to Go: Rethinking Self-Discipline
What if the answer isn’t more discipline, but a different direction?
🟨 "The Discipline to Stay — and the Wisdom to Go - Grit
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about grit — something I teach, value, and live by. Angela Duckworth’s work on the subject has long been an anchor in how I think about self-discipline and perseverance.
But recently I came across a thought of hers that gave me pause:
“Most people try to change their behavior with willpower. But the science says: change your situation, not just your mindset. It’s not about pushing harder — it’s about shaping the situations that shape you.”
That landed with a jolt. Because if grit is about perseverance, then where’s the line between powering through and forcing a fit?
🧩 Square Peg, Round Hole?
I’ve been asking myself:
Am I trying to put a square peg in a round hole?
Is there a difference between grit and stubbornness?
And how do we know when our efforts are simply out of alignment with our true path?
As someone who has transitioned across disciplines — from classical music to curriculum design to real estate — I’ve seen both sides of this.
There have been seasons where grit carried me through deep uncertainty. And then, there have been times when I was clinging to something because I thought I should — when what I really needed was to shift my environment, my expectations, or even my identity.
Duckworth’s reminder is powerful: it’s not always about willpower. Sometimes it’s about walking into a different room entirely.
🌀 The Complexity of Letting Go
It’s related to that tricky phrase: letting go.
To me, that is a complicated concept.
Yes, there are things we must let go of — but sometimes, doing so feels like giving up. Knowing the difference between a wise release and a premature surrender isn’t always clear. And maybe it never fully is.
How do you feel when you finally let go after working so hard to make it happen — a goal, a relationship, a plan?
It should feel like closure. But often, it doesn’t. It can bring sadness, doubt, or even a sense of failure.
🛠️ Setting Parameters for Perseverance
Maybe it helps to set a frame from the beginning:
What are the conditions under which I will keep going?
How will I measure success or finality?
In work, that might be easier to define. But in relationships, it’s rarely that simple.
Many of us, even if we don’t mean to, see relationships through a transactional lens. Few are truly governed by unconditional love or acceptance. And in some cases, we don’t want to admit when someone is showing up for us — quietly, consistently, and generously. It might feel easier to redirect our frustrations toward them… or to use their presence as a mirror for our own discomfort.
Sometimes, the real question isn’t: Is this working?
It’s: Is this even about them… or is this about me not feeling like I fit?
🌿 Grit Meets Grace
Maybe grit isn’t just about grinding.
Maybe it’s also about grace — the grace to reassess, to change direction, to evolve.
“Grit is passion and perseverance for long-term goals,” Duckworth says.
But what if the goal changes?
Or as Viktor Frankl wrote:
“Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.”
The truth, I think, lies in having that hard conversation with yourself:
Is it me… or is this just not a fit anymore?
💬 I'd love to hear from you:
Have you ever realized you were forcing a fit?
What helped you shift — or stay?
How do you define grit for yourself?
Let’s talk about it. I’d love to hear your reflections.